All I asked was a grave; all I sought was death. But why at the end of everything is there hope for something new, something loving, something peaceful? Living a life surrounded & covered by 7 mountains, stronger, mightier and bigger than me, which were the strongholds of mine. But the nail of my guilt destroyed everything.
God of my life: the light of lights and the father of all. Oh lord of all, why are my mistakes and the guilt with them more powerful than me? Surely it is powerful, for its power is the pain of permanency: the pain of a deep cut has a cure; the pain of a burn has medication; even the pain of breaking all the bones at once has healing. But my mistakes and my guilts have surpassed them all. It has no cure, no medication, and no healing because it is as strong as a covenant.
Let sorrow be my house because it is persistent with me in the face of all chances, and let my name remain sin because it matches me well for what I have done and what I am going to do. Oh, Lord, let your love and the presence of your holiness be far from me, because I have seen you and known myself and found myself absurd and a misfit for you.
Let you be farther than the farthest from me, and in grace don’t see me, for I am melted with the evil of my heart, and there is not a single good in me: in my sight and in the sight of my beloved.
Let thy mercy and promise be far from me, for evil is my heart and the vision of my eyes and the deeds of my hand.
My God of all authority, Let me die in my adversity, for that suits me, and in that let my evil heart come out of me and be burnt in the deep sea of death. And let my evil eye rot in the place where it found its existence, and let my hand be chopped off, for the honour and glory was tarnished by it. And let no mercy be shown to the feet of mine, for they waited not to shed blood of the poor and caused the weak to cry till death.
My God of righteousness: in thy righteousness forgive not my mouth and tongue of mine and my stomach, for my tongue is more poisonous than the death of deaths, and my stomach desires and quenches its thirst with the blood of the infants. Surely I am not the sinner but the sin itself, for I am assured of my deeds and the habitat of my heart. For the sinner causeth sin but has redemption by the blood of the Lord.
But for me, I am consumed by my conviction and find no hope for it; nor does the willingness come out of the purity of my evil heart. Surely man caused sin in disobedience, but I have excelled them all. Oh Lord, far and far be thy assurance of thy eternity and of thy salvation from me, because I know my works and the dedication of them. Let the man like me be killed at day if it’s light, for it will cause less to no evil in the generation of all mankind.
One response to “MY LILY: CHAPTER 1 – THE LAST CRY & THE END”
Bro, this piece made me pause more than once. The honesty in how you wrestle with guilt, faith, and self-judgment feels deeply personal, like you weren’t trying to impress anyone, just telling the truth as you see it. I could feel the weight behind every line, and it stayed with me after I finished reading. Thank you for sharing something this raw — I’m genuinely looking forward to reading more from you. ♥️📝💌✨